JOY : From Shame to New Life

I lie in bed at night, I can’t sleep, my brain won’t stop spinning in circles, replaying, over and over that stupid thing I said during the day. I pray, I know I was wrong, I come to God for forgiveness, and I know he has forgiven me—but still I feel awful. It’s not so much the guilt, but the shame. Every time the shameful feeling surges up I roll over in bed, shudder and push it back down again. I just wish I could sleep, forget about it and wake up in the morning without even a memory of it and hopefully no one else will remember either—because I am so ashamed.

Why can’t I just forget it? Why can’t I just accept forgiveness, from God and others? Why can’t I move on?  I hear a phrase “the Joy of Forgiveness” Joy? That’s not just forgetting, that’s more. I want that.

My first baby was born on the day we celebrated my father's 50^th birthday and some of my labor (that I always intended to be totally private) was spent in front of my extended family opening presents, I struggled hard to hide the pain and embarrassment from them, I hid my face in my husband at every contraction and I remember my satisfaction at my success when towards the end of the evening my brother in law asked if I’d had any contractions yet. But there came the point when I could not hide it anymore. With my babies birth came immense pain, physical and emotional exposure, nakedness, lack of control, blood, vomit, sweat, weakness and exhaustion. Without a doubt birth has been one of the most shameful situations I have been in.

And yet—I feel no shame.

 NONE.

My baby was born and I knew Joy. I stood there within all the pain, shame, mess, exhaustion and nakedness and I held my baby with my husband and knew only joy. An intense joy in the new life God had created.

And after he was born, I told anyone I could about his birth, about the process and the shame and about the Joy and the wonderful thing God had done in our life and his.

It is the same with our spiritual birth. Our sin is the cause of great shame. Intense shame, a shame that Jesus took on himself when he died on the cross in pain, nakedness and exposure. A public shame, a shame that can’t be hidden. My sin caused a shame greater than I can ever imagine.

And yet, like my baby's birth, I no longer need to feel the shame because I “look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who FOR THE JOY that was set before Him endured the cross, DESPISING THE SHAME, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Jesus despised that shame. That shame means nothing to him because of the Joy that came after, the Joy of rising again and sitting with God—the Joy of the Forgiveness of his people, the Joy of new life.

Because of the shame of my sin, the forgiveness from it and the new life God gives me I have great Joy. The shame of sin, the shame of the cross and the birth of new life is all part of the story. I can not have joy of forgiveness without first facing the shame of sin. 

"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

I can rejoice in forgiveness and glorify God for his grace only when I stop hiding the shame of my sin. I can have so much joy and wonder that I tell anyone I can about the shame I had, the process of change God has worked and is working in me and the Joy of forgiveness and new life he has given me and continues to give me everyday.

That Joy is so intense that the shame, the shame that all can see is no longer felt. Jesus does not feel the shame, and neither should I. 

Tulips and Trust

Spring in Dunedin is a Beautiful thing. Sunshine and rain, trees bursting with blossoms, and the flowers. Oh the flowers! This year the kids planted tulips in their little gardens in our tiny backyard. Everyday we could look outside and see them growing, changing, and claiming their rightful place center stage in the kids' gardens because they are beautiful.

Although we planted our bulbs I am reminded that there is little else I or the kids did to make these flowers grow. God grows the flowers, we just enjoy them. It never ceases to amaze me that God seems to make them grow so beautiful so I can enjoy them. But he also made them beautiful for another reason. He made them beautiful to remind me of His sovereignty, His power and His love.

‘Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!’                                                          Luke 12:27-28

God made each tulip grow, he cared, so made them beautiful. And he cares for me too.

All season God grew them tall, he sprinkled the rain on their wide leaves, He opened their petals to the sun and he closed them in the night and through the hail. And he promises that if the flowers have reason to surrender to His ways, how much more reason do I, whom he loves, have to trust Him.

Yes our life goes on and we face nights and days, sunshine and storms but God promises that he is always in control. I might struggle to control my own life, and yes I might worry about basic things like how to feed my family, where we are going to live, and how we’ll be clothed. But the fact is I’m not in control, I’m never in control. I don’t know what will happen, at the moment I can’t even guess. But I do know that God does know and that He loves, cares and is providing for me.

But today I look at the kids gardens and see that spring is almost over and the tulips are dying. Summer is slowly arriving and their beauty is fading and falling away. But there is a beauty in this too, because I know God is still in control. 

I know that He will always be in control. 

Long after summer comes, the flowers fall and the plant dies, spring will come again, and again, God will grow that flower.

Yes God has always provided for me, he is providing for me and all this life he will provide for me till eventually the eternal spring will come and God will provide for me forever. 

 “You have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.”    

1 Peter 1:23

In Awe of Gods Living Word

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:11-13

I haven’t blogged for a long while, and I've had some pretty big thoughts going around my head. But today I just want to share a discussion we had as a family last night that meant a lot to- well, all of us I think.

As usual, putting the kids in bed was taking ages, and as usual the kids, especially Miles used the opportunity to talk about everything that came to his head. I had just told him “I wish you would be quiet” when he made a statement.

 “God puts more and more stuff in the bible all the time, so it’s always new and we can learn more”

 “Well, no, everything we need to know is already in the Bible, Miles”

 “So the bible is full then? What about when you know it all?”

Miles has recently learnt the value of “learning” as opposed to “knowing” and how it’s good for our brains and I guess the same thought processes were carrying through to learning about God. How can one keep “learning” or in a spiritual way “growing” once you “know” it all.

Obviously this seems like quite an arrogant question- It is quite a big and pretty much impossible job to “know” it all even just intellectually, but at the same time I know I’m guilty of often coming to the bible with very little expectation of learning something new from it.

But the answer Miles really needed to hear was the spiritual answer. “Yes theoretically you could intellectually “know it all” but the Bible is different from other books, the bible is ‘living’”

For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.
1 Peter 1:22-24

“The words, content and message of God’s word always stay the same, but the way the Holy Spirit works in us and in our lives means that we can always learn more.”

Not surprisingly this answer didn't mean much to Miles. “But if you know it all, how can you learn more?”

“Let me think of an example…I know… look at this verse: “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow”. When we lived in Adelaide I thought this just meant God makes us clean by taking our sin away, but when we moved to Dunedin and I saw snow, and I looked at this verse again, I realized that God doesn't just make us clean- he makes us beautiful, just like the snow. The verse was the same, but God helped me to learn something new from it”

You should have seen his eyes, he practically jumped up in bed from the realization. “So God gives us the same bible, and makes new things happen in real life, and shows us how they fit together, and then we can learn more!!!”

When was the last time I stood in awe and amazement at the work God does in our lives and the way he teaches and grows us though his word and his world? 
How often do I read the words in the Bible as living words expecting to grow and change from them?

When was the last time I stopped, looked around me, read his word and listened to what new precious truth the Holy Spirit had to show me? 

And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe.
1 Thessalonians 2:12-14

Hard Work, Rest and Waiting

I love making bread. The old fashioned way- no bread machine for me. The whole process  is therapeutic. For a good 20 minutes there is just me, my bench and the dough. and I relax and I think. Everything else is tuned out “Sorry kids, you’ll have to wait- Mum is making bread”

Today’s bread making was no different (although somewhat easier with both little kids asleep) Our family is just recovering from a bout of the flu and I’ve been getting quite frustrated by the slowness of the recovery, general grumpiness and strained relationships among other things- to put it bluntly- I wasn’t in a good mood.

So as I worked hard, flour everywhere pounding that dough, squashing it, pulling it, pushing it I had myself a little pity party.  I feel just like this bread, I feel like I’m constantly getting pushed, pulled and squashed by things in my life again and again. One thing after another happens to try me and I feel “hard pressed on every side” and there’s no way out of the hard work, mess and the constant bombardment of more.

God gives Rest

Yes life is hard but I look at the rest of that verse and am encouraged
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

No. it is hard but its not ruined. It will be ok. I will make it through this.

“When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place.” Psalm 118:5

I finish working the dough and leave the bread to rest, because that too is necessary.

God gives Growth

But God wants more for me than to just make it through, and I want more. I want to grow. I want it to all be for something. And I know just like the bread, its not just the rest that enables the bread to rise, it needs to be worked too, the working is good.

Without that hard work and without the mess of life I wouldn’t be able to learn and grow. God doesn’t just help me through it- he Grows me by it. The hard times are good.

 Then, as I punch down my nicely risen dough, because although it rose, it still needs more work, I feel it again, “God I thought I was growing, but now I just can’t see it, I just see myself getting squashed. Is this really good?!” I just feel– discouraged.

and I remember  Miles’ new school verse:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Josh 1:9

God calls me to wait
And I know that through the hard work, the constant pushing and the discouragements God will work it together not just so I survive but so I GROW and I am “confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I believe it. I know it, but mostly I’d like to see it. and thats when God calls me to trust, obey and wait on him, and that trusting, obeying and waiting is how God is growing me.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord! 

                               Psalm 27:14

I put my bread in the oven, and I wait.

Be With Me!

My kids always want my attention.

Dakota crys for a cuddle at crazy hours of the night.

Antigone wants me to read her a book, and another, and one more.

Miles, my most demanding one, wants everything. He talks non-stop, he wants me to explain everything, he wants to help with everything and he wants my help with everything.

Last night I’d had enough.   “Stop crying.   No.   No more games,  no more cuddles,  no more stories- it's bedtime.  No you can’t get into bed with me.  No, you don’t need me all the time.  Ask Dad...   Just leave me alone”

And when they finally did leave me alone,  I finally heard them.  “Love me mum,  help me,  show me, guide me,  comfort me,  I want to be with you mum,  BE with me!”

BE WITH ME

And I realized as much as their constant need for me annoys ME sometimes, it is exactly what God loves and wants in his children.

Unlike my kids with me, I DO need to be with God all the time, in everything and GOD always wants to be with me.

I desire that they also whom You gave Me may BE WITH ME where I am.   

    John 17:23                     

HE wants me to cry for him in the night,  to read His word again and again,  He wants me to talk to him about everything I do,  to listen to everything He says,  He wants to help me in everything,  to teach me and to guide me all day long!

God wants me to BE with him.


How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings. 
                            Matthew 23:37

Remain in me, as I also remain in you.

                                                                                                  John 15:4

ALWAYS

I often notice that when I do something special with my children,  hoping to exchange it for a break,  it doesn’t satisfy their need to be with me.  In-fact- it makes it stronger,  they want more.  One book is never enough!  One song at bedtime is never enough!  One wizzy is never enough!

One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,   

 Psalm 27:4

And again that is what God wants from me.  He doesn’t want me to be satisfied with a little bit of bible reading every now and then,  he doesn’t want me to be satisfied with a quick prayer when I’m at the end of my patience.   He wants me to be with him always.


The more time I spend with Him,  the more I’ll want to be with Him,  the more I’ll realise my need to be with Him,  the more I’ll see His great love for me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

 Psalm 23:6                                           

And when I come to him like a little child, He won’t turn me away

Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.                                                                                                                 Matthew 19:14

At night his song is with me (Psalm 42:8),  His right hand will hold me (Psalm 139:10)  and though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. (Psalm 27:10)  He will comfort me.(Psalm 23:4)  He will be my Everlasting Father (Isaiah 9:6)

He promises to BE with me always.

I am with you always, even to the end of the age.     
                                                                  Matthew 28:20

NOTE: For all you Mums out there, who often feel like you need a break. Its not always wrong of us. As Miles reminded me when i told him about this post "Yeah mum, but you're not God".
Although we should be there when our children need us, our children also need to learn to ultimatly rely on God in the same way we need to learn it.

My Ebenezer Stone

Today I remember a verse I have visited over and again in the past.

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” ”

EBENEZER “Thus far the LORD has helped us”.

and I look back on my life and I see time and time again where God has helped me.

When I was only little, scared of storms. 

When I was just a kid and frightened of growing up.

When I was a teenager, worried about what people would think.

When I was at university, excited to step out into a whole new world.

When I was newly married, learning so much through the ups and downs of life.

When I first held each of my precious children overwhelmed by the blessing God had given me

When my children got that tiny bit older, as i struggled  to teach them and guide them

and As we waited in uncertainty, not knowing how God would provide or where God would send us

EBENEZER thus far the Lord HAS helped me and I see how he has given me blessing after blessing along the way. The blessing my husband, our children, of friends, of church, of growth and of salvation...

And today I remember, I remember how God has been with me, all along and I know he will continue to help me.

When I’m scared of the storms raging all around me.

When I’m frightened of what God has put out before me and the change he is working in me.

When I worry about what others think of what I do or what I say.

As I step out to do the amazing things he gives me to do.

As he teaches me wonderful things in the trials and triumphs.

When it all seems so much and I’m overwhelmed by the  emotional buisiness of life.

When I struggle to connect with my children and teach them the awesome truths of God.

And so I wait, and wait again, trusting God to provide, to guide and to help

Ebenezer, God has helped me, God IS helping me, God will help me.

And so today, here, now, I say again. EBENEZER: “Thus far the LORD has helped me”

Thankyou God

“Here I raise my Ebenezer,

Hither by thy help I’ve come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home”

NOTE: This has been one of my favorite stories in the bible since I was a child. When I was at Highschool I would stop at the creek near our house on the way too or from school and remember That God had helped me “this far”. One year I befriended a duckling and named him Ebenezer as a reminder to myself. Years later a friend bought me a duckling for my birthday- he also was called Ebenezer
The Hymn above was one of Nathan and my special songs that we had sang at our wedding. A perfect time to remember Gods past blessings and pray for continuing guidance.

I hope I continue to set apart times in my life to remember what God has done for me, and therefore have a sure hope of his continuing love for me.

Spinny Dress for Antigone

A bit of a change from my normal Blog.


My daughters Birthday was in March and one of her presents was a "spinny dress" like most little girls, my Antigone LOVES a pretty dress. the main requirements of a pretty dress in the eyes of a 3 yr old are: It has to spin- REALLY spin, and it has to have some frilly bits and it has to be pink. I had a look online for inspiration

(especially  here  (Love these dresses!)
                        but also this one
which i might also give a go one day.)

and created this:



Now for those of you who want to know how i made it... I'll give explaining it a go.  (please excuse the hastily drawn up images and bad photos!)

Notes: 

-measurements fit Tiggy- so are about a size 3.
-measurements allow 1cm for seams and 2cm for hem.
-I would probably make the bodice a bit longer and the waist a bit bigger- don't make the elastic too tight. (it would still look good as a loose fit around the bodice)

Bodice:

-sew lining to the arch on the front and the top of the back then sew sides.
-sew a wide piece of elastic into the back
-sew button holes

Skirt:

Just because it might be helpful, this is what the skirt looks like fully spread out.

-fold material A (pink) into 4 and cut along lines as shown in pic. (measure around waist generously, work out radius and add 1-2 cm for the inner cut. - you can see how well it fits and cut more if necessary before sewing) I wish I'd made it slightly bigger.

- Fold material of contrasting colour B (and any other colours you want), according to how many panels you want on the B section. use 'A' folded the appropriate amount of times to obtain the curve, cut, allowing an extra cm for seams.





OK this might look a bit odd- and I'm sure most people would be able to do this "properly" but this is what i did...

-sew panels together except last seam (unless your measurements are very exact)- so you have 2 pieces 'A' and 'B' as shown.

-sew 'B' onto 'A' except for right at the ends, sew last seam so 'B' is a correct fit ( its a bit fiddly but i do it this way- just in case 'B' is a bit too long- If your sewing and cutting are accurate you should be able to do it the 'normal' way.)




-cut the 3rd colour 'C'- at least 5m long, gather, match the middle of 'C' to the center front of 'B' and sew from there to back- once again just because it is otherwise really hard to get the length and gathers perfectly accurate.

Finishing

-Sew bodice to skirt, stretching bodice at back as much as needed so the skirt gathers at back as needed. (the skirt is not gathered at the front at all.)
- hem
- make straps (about 50cm) and sash.

On Being 'Super Mum'- or Not

“Super Mum!” …an idea designed to make Me and my fellow mums feel better about ourselves, say it or be told it enough times and I might start to believe it. Google it and you'll find 'Super Mum' hats, T-shirts, mugs, cards, even CAPES!  Problem is- it doesn’t work for me, see… I’m not a super mum- not by a long shot. 

But, God hasn’t called me to be a “Super Mum”. I don’t have to do it all, I don’t have to take the kids to the park and playgroup and swimming lessons every week.  My baby doesn’t have to be read a story, taken for a walk, have tummy-time every day. Relax. God has called us to be free from all the do’s and do not’s of motherhood and of life.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.     Galations 5:1

So if there is no list of “things to do" how should I mother?  

 …but through love serve one another.         

                                                   Galations 5:13

I am to serve, care for, teach and encourage my children in love.

Through the mess and haphazardness of life I am to love.

Through the business of life I am to love.

Through the baby tears, I am to love.

Through the tantrums I am to love.

Through the nightmares I am to love.

Through the pain, through the happiness I am to love.

Through the laughter and noise I am to love.

  

So simple- but NOT by any means easy!     And so I run into another problem. I am free from being a Super Mum, But I can't even be a loving mum.

I get frustrated when the baby cries in the night, I get annoyed at the kids when they want a cuddle but I’m busy, I get angry and yell at my children when the house is messy.

That’s when I found two other common ideas

“I’m not Super Mom, I will make mistakes but

I will always try my best”

 But If I'm honest I know I don’t always try my best. Often I just give up and hide in my room, the bathroom (if I can get away with it), a book or my computer.  

And even if I do give my best, deep down I know that it's just not good enough.

“But in the eyes, heart and mind of my child, I am Super mom!” OK, this MAY be true for my under 5yr olds, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to hold up once they’re teenagers!

What then? That’s when once again Jesus makes me free. A different sort of freedom, freedom to BE the mum I should be, freedom from the guilt of failure.

Firstly, when my best isn't good enough: God won't let me fail.

The Lord makes firm the steps
    of the one who delights in Him; 

though he may stumble, he will not fall,
    for the Lord upholds him with His hand.    

                                              Psalm 37:23-24

When I acknowledge that I cannot do it myself but go to God for forgiveness and strength I know that HE will hold my hand all the way and pick me up again and again.

And secondly, when I'm struggling to even do my best: God will forgive me and give me the strength and freedom to start again and serve my children in love.

But with you there is forgiveness,

    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.  Psalm 130:4

And I know that as I fail, and turn to God for forgiveness and strength and as God picks me up again I will GROW in perseverance, in character in hope. And in love because of the love God has shown me. 

 

He will teach me to

Love through the mess of life, 

Love through the business

Love through more tears, 

Love through even more tantrums, 

Love through more sleeplessness than I thought possible, 

Love through the nightmares, 

Love through the noise 

Love through the pain and

Love through whatever else the future holds,

No, I'm not Super mum, not by my standards, not by other mum's standards, not by my kid's standards. But I do know that God has given me these kids, and God made ME their mum. God forgives and looks past my failings and  in Gods eyes and His plan, I am the best mum for these kids.